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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Brokeback Jihad

Did you hear about the goatherd from the boonies that wanted to be a martyr for Jihad?  He didn't know what a 'martyr for Jihad' was but he heard he'd get to have sex with young virgins.  So he goes to town and by mistake walks into a gay bar.  He says "Can anyone here tell me how to be a martyr for Jihad"?  This old queen of a mullah sitting at the bar turns around, looks him up and down, and says…

That's as far as I've gotten.  But when I finish, the punch line will surely include the name Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri, the 'underwear bomber' that tried to blow up an airplane over Detroit on a recent Christmas Day.  Word is Mr. al-Asiri's Jihadi 'training' included repeated sodomizing by fellow jihadis.  

Apparently the underwear bomb was a complex contraption and part of the, uh, package extended into the jihadi's rectum.  To stretch his rectum sufficiently to accommodate the payload, it was decided to use the pre-AIDS, San Francisco Turkish Bath method:  sort of a friends-with-benefits, al Qaida style.  If you  thought you understood the Religion of Peace's position on sodomy, you might have believed this type of behavior was forbidden.  But don't worry, it seems the plan was endorsed by a real-live mullah, one Abu al-Dema al-Qasab, who ruled:  "(T)o undertake this jihadi approach you must agree to be sodomized for a while to widen your anus so it can hold the explosives."

Right, then.  It's all copasetic.  I know this next part will also be hard to believe but some of these terrorist clowns were still concerned about the propriety of it all, so they asked this mullah fellow to put it in writing as an official fatwa. I guess in a culture that usually kills homosexuals, you want to make sure the paperwork is, er, straight before your pals commence to joy riding up your Hershey Highway.   You got to cross all the T's before you start dotting the old brown-eye, you know?  So the mullah put it in writing:  "(J)ihad comes first, for it is the pinnacle of Islam, and if the pinnacle of Islam can only be achieved through sodomy, then there is no wrong in it."  There you go.  The pinnacle.  The juju man has spoken.  If you can't commit mass-murder without first taking it in the shorts a few times, then bend over because your band of brothers is forming a line. 

These guys never heard of sex toys?  The 'martyr' can't take a fake penis into the privacy of his own room and train solo?  What's the problem, latex allergy?  They have no produce markets in North Africa?  Only a real-live butt-rogering by a 'brother' terrorist will do?  And what's with this 'brothers' stuff anyway?  Being a mass-murderer isn't enough, being a homo mass-murderer isn't enough, you got to be a full-frontal, incestuous, homo mass-murderer in order to get to Paradise?  What would Henry V say about this particular pansy-ass band of brothers?  "We few, we happy few!  Once more into the breach!"

Is it only me, or does anyone else think maybe, just maybe, there's something queer going on?  Am I the only one that wonders is this sheikh and his inner circle getting more out of this deal than just infidel-slaying? Maybe they kind of really enjoy training new martyrs?  Is it possible these terrorist big-wigs are just a bunch of poofs, covering their inner Village People with the cloak of macho, mass-murdering, religious zealotry?  And, come to think of it, didn't they find bin-Laden holed up like some hermit crazy uncle, with nothing but an old TV and a few retro VHS porn tapes?  Guy's got four wives in the other room and he's sitting in the dark, spanking the monkey over some grainy Vivid Pictures classics from 1987?   The question occurs, was bin-Laden breathing heavy over the girls on those tapes?  Or could it have been the boys that he was focusing on?  Who would know?  I'm just asking.

The more you hear about these jihadis the more you realize how flat-out crazy they are.  Vicious, cunning, depraved, and 'Fargo'-kidnapper stupid.  How is it possible we allow anyone - and I mean anyone - to suggest these guys hate us because of anything we did?  That maybe it's kind of our fault?  Unadulterated nonsense.  The Jihad isn't about the Crusades 800 years ago.  It's not about Western colonialism or imperialism or anything else to do with us.  The Jihad is about guys like this crew:  barbaric savages, whose wiring was already wrong to start with, letting some gay pimp of a holy man start re-typing their control code to make them even weirder.  The sooner we kill the lot of them, the better.